see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
