It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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