I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
