i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
