Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
