Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
