Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
