Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
