You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
