Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
