my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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