how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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