I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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