I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
We left an ass print on the piano.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
