i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
