I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
