is your mom at the bar?
3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
