Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
