I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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