my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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