Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
