I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
