Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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