Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
