Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
