just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
