i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
that's an acceptable place to lick
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
