i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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