You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
