Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'm at about main and main street
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
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