we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
