Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
