Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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