I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
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so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
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My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
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