Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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