You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
