Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
