So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
