just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
