he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
