it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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