A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
