I think scott just propositioned me for sex
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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