she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
