Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
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The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
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I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
My life is pants optional.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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