so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
