I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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