Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
