Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
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There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
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