Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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