Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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