Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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