Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
