yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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